Breaking Down or Breaking Open

"Something I didn't want to happen, happens. I feel the resistance build within. I feel the pressure to control what is obviously out of my control. I become aware of what I'm doing-I become aware of the choice either to break down or to break open." Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open, p. 256

How aware are you that when bad things happen or something that you didn't want to happen, happens, you have a choice of whether to break down or break open? This is what Elizabeth Lesser's book, Broken Open, is about. It's about using all our challenging life situations to open, on deeper and deeper levels, to our true, core essential selves.

Unfortunately, many people do the opposite when deeply challenged-they numb and hide and avoid. They are afraid that if they let themselves break open to their deeper, spiritual selves, they will not be able to handle the painful feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, grief and helplessness over others and circumstances.

When we don't allow ourselves to break open, compassionately embracing our emotions and discovering the huge spiritual reservoir of strength that lies within, we break down. We become anxious, depressed, angry, or numb and frozen. We may turn on those we love in an effort to not feel so helpless, or we may numb out with alcohol, drugs or food. We may vegetate in front of the TV or turn to Internet pornography-something, anything, to distract from the pain of life that we don't want to face.

In making this choice to abandon ourselves rather than compassionately embrace our emotions and allow them to release in healthy ways, we not only break down into misery, we also break down our bodies. The repressed and unexpressed pain of our heartbreak, grief and helplessness over the situation eats away at our immune systems, eventually causing illness.

Consider allowing deeply challenging life situations to break you open-over and over. Through breaking open and having the courage to compassionately embrace and express your heartbreak and grief, you also break open to the love, peace and joy that occupy the same place in your heart. If you close your heart to pain, you also close your heart to love and joy.

When you allow yourself to compassionately embrace the pain of life, you find that you are not alone. Breaking open with a deep desire to learn about what is most loving to you and others, is an invitation to spirit to fill you with the strength you need to manage the challenges.

Imagine the freedom you would feel if you no longer feared the deeper painful challenges and losses of life. Imagine the freedom you would feel if you knew that by opening to compassion for yourself, you could find the deeper knowing, strength, worth and wholeness that lies within your own heart and soul.

I have broken open many times and I'm sure I will many more times. Each time, I emerge on the other side with a greater appreciation for this journey called life, which challenges me to open my heart more and more-to break open my heart to the depth of the love that is here for me and for all of us, and to stay fully present for the sharing of that love.

I don't look forward to the challenges that break me open, but I also no longer avoid them. I know they will come, for this is life, and I also know that, each time, I will choose to fully feel the pain so I can continue to fully feel the love and joy.

Shock, Horror - A Person Brave Enough For Self Discovery Reels in Awe

Is the purpose of life to grow personally and thereby play your part in the growth of humanity as a whole? If so, then it begs the question who are you really?

You could say you are a father, a daughter, a brother, a girlfriend or a friend. You could define yourself in terms of your personal relationships to others, but when you think about it, this is more about them than you. It is also who you are in connection to someone else. This is one of the hats you wear, but it isn't who you are.

How about what you do for a living? I am a cleaner, a flight attendant, a mechanic, a teacher, a farmer, a doctor, a public servant... They are all roles you fulfil each day, but are they really who you are? If so, what happens when you change jobs or you retire? Do you lose some of who you are? Do you change who you are? Do you stop being who you were and become someone else? I don't think so.

Is it what you own? Are you defined by how many or how few possessions you have?

How about what you look like? Surely we could determine who you are by what you are on the outside? No?

You could also say that who you are is a product of your upbringing and the decisions you have made in the past. You could say that except that in the next second you could make a choice which changes who you are forever from that point forward.

So, if you're not your relationship with others and you're not what you do for a living, what you own or what you look like and you're not your past... then WHO are you?

Whatever answer you come up with, who you are is so much more than any of those things. You are bigger than the roles you undertake, your body, the things you own, what you do for a living. You are much bigger than what has happened to you in the past.

In fact, I think if you were ever brave enough to strip away all the layers you cover yourself in... all the roles, the beliefs, relationships, customs, habits and culture, external experience past experiences that you would find something so magnificent and pure and glowing with such strength and brightness that you would have difficulty comprehending your personal magnificence.

It is almost as though it is safer for us to hide behind the massive wall of things which limit who we are, rather than face the enormity of who we are and what we are capable of.

What if humans were capable of being and doing so much more than they allow themselves to? What would it mean for the world if we all stepped into who we could truly be? What if we allowed ourselves to step into our personal magnificence?

I think the outcome of each and every one of us stepping up as we did, extending our hands to help others step up would be the type of world and the type of community I would love to live in.

What do you think?

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Keeping a Journal

For your Journal, I suggest a Notebook that you love, always. You will know when you've found the right kind of notebook or paper when it makes you swoon and begs to be filled up with your recordings. Whether it is the feel of the paper when it has words written on it, it's smell, the cover or the messages within. Choose your notebook carefully. Write record anyway from your heart.

Paper needs ink and I like to see and feel how the ink moves on the paper. New creative tools are fun. I will use blue, black, pink, green pens etc., I write in big and I write small. I write using all upper case and/or all lower case letters. This place is for you, so design it for yourself. There's nothing like putting pen to paper to instil you with a sense of optimism, anticipation and excitement about your goals or aspirations. The act of writing something down always makes it more real and more concrete than merely thinking it. When you commit to writing down your thoughts and experiences you have put them into a solid form. I believe there are benefits to keeping a Journal:

o Knowing yourself better. Writing can help clarify your thoughts, your emotions, and your reactions to certain people or situations. In addition, as you read back through past journals, you'll have ample evidence of the things that make you happy and those that are distressful. Journaling is a great tool for self-discovery that will help you build self-confidence and self-knowledge. While writing in your journal you will find yourself identifying the values for which you stand. You will also get to know your processes; how you think, learn, create and use intuition.

o Capturing your life's Story. A journal is a catalogue of your memories. Over time, your memories become an irreplaceable treasure that can be looked at years from now, by you, or, if you wish, by others. By journaling you will capture not only your life, but also the lives of all the people that surrounds you. You are also creating a record, and with that record in hand it is easier to see patterns, changes, and shifts in your life

o Reducing stress. Writing in your Journal means that you don't carry as much of what you have written about within you. It is on the paper or in the computer. By journaling, you give yourself a powerful form of self-expression, and through that expression you can gain clarity, release, and relief. You will feel calmer and spiritually at ease after a journal writing session.

o Enhancing intuition and creativity. While writing in the pages of your journal you will find your inner voice awakening. Journaling will help you in the interpretation of your symbols and dreams, and can increase your memory of events.

o Strengthening relationships. Writing about people you know will help you to understand them better and put you in touch with your own feelings about them.

o Better organisational skills. By structuring yourself to write regularly, you automatically develop stronger organisation skills, such as list making and time management. Also journaling your goals and what you want to accomplish in your life is an excellent tool to help you get those things done. You can even create a personal checklist of 'things to do.' Through journaling you can actually see and better understand what you want, what is important to you, and how you feel. And after organising your thoughts you can create goals and resolutions to support what you are thinking and writing about.

o Better focus. While writing in a journal you create more awareness, and therefore more focus on the issues that are important to you. The routine and habit of journaling means making time for yourself, and, when you set aside time for yourself, you can feel the benefit and gain from doing something specifically for yourself. When you're busy and stressed with a mind full of a whirlwind of disconnected thoughts flitting here and there, writing about the event or issue will help bring focus and clarity. It will also help you decide on which action to take, or option to choose.

o Better solutions for your problems. Writing about problems gives the right side of your brain food for creative problem solving. It's amazing what happens when the creative part of your nature starts working on a problem. You'll soon find solutions bubbling up from your subconscious mind.

o Personal growth. Journaling is a vehicle for expressing and creating. It will improve balance and well being and bring you closer to the authentic you.

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Life's Little Rules for Living

Cicero famously said, "A man's own manner and character is what most becomes him." Our character is what shapes our reputation. Our manners are what uphold our character. Manners are not about us. They are about others. How we treat others will determine how we are treated in return. When we act with deference toward others and treat people with graciousness, civility and respect, we edify society and the role we each play in its course. The higher we place the importance of civility and respect, the more it becomes a staple of our society and culture.

The rules of civility are universal. No matter your education, your religion or your heritage, we all share a common role in the advancement of our culture. The very least of our actions toward others speaks volumes about us. The power behind such small words or good deeds is what causes others to recognize the greater good for which we aim. We each share responsibility to set the right example. How do we do so? It starts with respect. These are what I call "Life's little rules for living". They are the foundation upon which we can frame a better world for all.

The first little rule is, "Never read something intended for someone else's eyes." It is important to honor and respect the privacy and communications of others. Doing so halts any misunderstanding or insult. Little rule number two is, "Never listen in on a conversation not intended for your ears." This serves to guarantee that we will not find ourselves the victim of offense. We have no business being offended by something not intended for us. Rule number three says, "Never repeat anything told to you in confidence." We've all had experiences when we've shared something in confidence with someone, only to find out that person broke the confidence and repeated our words. There would be no hurt feelings and surely no argument among anyone if we all kept private discussions to ourselves.

"Never spread rumor about anyone else", is rule number four. This is probably the hardest rule because humans have the overwhelming urge to sensationalize things in life. This may put the Enquirer or TMZ out of business, but it would serve to protect everyone's private lives- starting with our own. And if you do promise to keep what is said in confidence, this serves to uphold little rule number five which states, "Never fail to be of your word." You may have a perfect credit score, but if your word is worthless, you will suffer a loss of respect and credibility among your peers.

We all have an opinion. Our opinions are shaped by our life's experiences. No two people have had exact experiences and no two opinions are alike. That is what makes life rich and exciting. We each have so much to offer and learn from one another. Far too often, we use our opinions to shield ourselves from other viewpoints. We sometimes criticize other opinions without regard for a person's feelings. This leads to rule number five, "Never criticize someone's opinion". We are free to disagree, but to criticize someone because they think differently is disrespectful.

Politeness is like a flower rich in beauty and color. Respect for others is one of the best ways to demonstrate our civility. This leads to my last and final little rule for living, "Always be mindful to mind your own business." How we would wish to be treated is how we should treat others. That is a timeless principle which never dies.

Making Peace With Not Having Children

I have always longed to get married and have a family and I have always believed I would. It never occurred to me that it wouldn't happen, not until recently. At 38, I thought: there's still time. At 39, I thought; there's still a little time. And at 40, I am finally facing the reality of the reality: It may not happen.

From age 20 till now, as I have been "waiting" for my prince charming to come along (all the time believing he would), I went out and lived an extraordinary life. I went to college, taught English abroad and traveled around the world. I chased my dreams of working in politics all the way to Washington, DC. I followed every impulse of challenge and adventure... and for the most part, succeeded. Everything that I dreamed of (that I could do on my own) I accomplished. The one thing, I could not do on my own, the one thing that required someone else, has stayed elusive.

Although I have lived a life many might relish, I look at the lives of those who have families, crazy homes full of children and pets, incessant noise and booked up activity schedules and I sigh.

The strange thing is that I wouldn't give back what I've experienced, at least I don't think so. I look around and see wonderful parents and not so wonderful parents and know that I would be a good parent. Sometimes I can't believe the fortune bestowed on people who don't seem to appreciate their child-abundant lives. I have friends and clients who feel the same way, having not had their own children. Some are sad, some are angry and some are resigned. But pure peace on the subject has yet to settle on my heart.

Of course, some say; "well if you really want one, what is standing in your way?" Yes, I could have a child on my own, I suppose. For some reason that doesn't quite resonate with me, but it still is an option. The man I'm dating now doesn't feel passionately one way or the other but I get the feeling he'd be fine without.

So that leaves me again with the longing I've had all my life. Sometimes I wonder if it's a longing to join the "club". I've always been an odd bird of sorts, doing my life differently than most. But on this one thing; I want normalcy. I used to think that something was wrong with me, that I was flawed in some way. I've long since put down that baton in favor of more self affirming and self loving beliefs and yet the experience still beckons from out there, somewhere.

I can see that it is just something else that I 'long' for and I realize how long I've lived in 'longing'. That was a funny sentence but I think it's worth saying. I've been longing for new and different, far away and exciting. Deep within me has always lived the seed of longing and perhaps even with a child, I might still long for something else. Longing is a wish for what we do not have. Longing is a habit of running away from what is. Longing is living in a dream.

I delved deeper into my feelings around this when I turned 40. While in a Life Coach training I chose to identify the underlying wish. What did I really want? Was it a child? Was it a family? Was it a 'normal' life? What was my true desire?

One of the main things I uncovered was that I want a legacy. I want to leave a mark that I was here, that I have lived, that my life has meant something. For if my family treedoes literally end with me... perhaps my name could live on in some way. I want to connect to the tapestry of humanity. I want to leave an indelible thumbprint in time. Something that says my life mattered. That it and I weren't just a blip.

As I wrote that... it occurred to me... maybe it's okay to be a blip. Maybe. And that really is what part of this is about... dealing with one's own mortality. Maybe we feel that if we have children, some part of us will live on or they will remember us and talk about us and through that we will live. Yes, facing our own mortality is certainly part of why this is so hard.

And as I consider my legacy, I look at the life I've created. I truly feel that the work I do helps people. And at this time, if I died tomorrow, I feel secure in the knowledge that many would say I had touched their lives. I continue in this vein daily but the longing remains.

And as I write this; tears begin to well up in my eyes. Why is this so visceral? That's part of it too... it IS visceral, it is biological, it is ingrained socially, physically, emotionally and every other way it can be imprinted. It's like not eating when you know you must for your survival. It's that deep, at least for most of us.

Coming to terms with not getting the one thing I have always wanted feels like a monstrous wall to climb, a gigantic rainbow to erase, an entire ocean to drink. But the truth of the truth is this: It is what it is.

It is what it is.

I am not married and I have no children. This did not just happen to me. It is of my own doing. I could have married someone in the past. I could have gotten pregnant. I could have done many things but I held out. I held out for the fairy tale. I kept myself in longing. And that is mine to make peace with. Would I change things if I could go back? Probably not. So, I stand back and I say... I wanted that, I tried, I dated lots of people, I was open-minded and it still did not happen. The peace in the statement is that I did my best and it still did not happen. I am smart, I am attractive, etc. and it still didn't happen. Okay, well, okay.

Sometimes we pray and sometimes the answer is "no". And that is the reality: The answer has been "no". The answer may not be "no" forever, but it has been. Peace will be found in my acceptance of this answer. Peace will be found in my heart's longing taking a rest. Peace will be found in embracing what is.

And if the choice were given me: to have this life with no children or to not have this life at all, I would choose life!

I am so grateful for this experience, grateful to be living. And though I may yearn for a particular experience in this life, not having that one experience does not diminish the miracle that this life has been. I am overcome sometimes with the beauty of it all. It is deep and wide, joyful and sorrowful, it has a crazy beginning and an unknown end. And for whatever happens or doesn't happen in between, each us... must make our own peace.

To your peacemaking.

As a Life Coach, I'd be remiss in not offering some tips:

Write it out - get all your thoughts and feelings out on paper. Keep writing until you've exhausted what is inside, all of it.

Talk about it with a trusted person - Talking and feeling about it is much healthier than keeping it all bottled inside.

Uncover your true desire - Underneath, what is the wish? To love? To be loved? To carry on a name or gene line? To have a family? To create? To have a legacy? Dig deep and find your true desire. It may not be what you think it is and may be fulfilled in another way.

Grieve the original dream - Grieve it as if it was a person you've lost. Eulogize it. Grieving how things might have been and truly letting the concept go... can give space for a new dream to be born and to thrive.

Consider alternative ways to accomplish your goal - Work with children? Adopt? Babysit your friends' kids, volunteer for a charity that helps children, become the greatest Aunt or Uncle ever, consider (intentionally) dating someone who has kids, become a foster parent, etc., I know a man who donated an organ in order to fulfill his want to leave a legacy. Let your heart open and your mind meander as you consider ways to achieve your desired outcome. Is having your own biological child the only way? If so, go to a doctor and find out exactly how possible or not possible it is. Look your options square in the face and truly consider them. If you're serious, get serious.

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How to Think Positive Thoughts

How to think positive thoughts that's the big question!

Every thought we have is not always strong and focused. The largest part of our day is exhausted or spent in so-called minor thoughts, which are just fleeting thoughts that come and go and generally does not help us in being positive.

Other types of thoughts that are not little or fleeting, gather around similar thoughts. They are all united around the same topics and created beliefs.

We can produce our own thoughts or we can adopt them from others. Some of our thoughts were gathered throughout our childhood.

These thoughts were fundamentally not our own. We borrowed them from our mother and father, family and later from teachers and or religious leaders.

And now lets check to see how these two groups of thought can make an effect on our life.

1- Big thoughts or beliefs

If a few thoughts are collecting around the same thought and forming a belief, then those thoughts are filled with significant emotional charge. These thoughts will attract in your everyday life the same people and circumstances that share the same energy.

We make our own reality through our contact with the wonderful power of freewill.

If our beliefs are positive they will bring us some resolution to all the challenges that we are faced with even during the most inconvenient circumstances.

Having thoughts of overall success combined with a positive outlook will bring you to a life full of balance and harmony.

Wherever we go, even if we change the nation we live in, our thoughts stay with us. Our beliefs are continuously bringing into our lives the same circumstances and events.

The main problem that most of us fight with everyday are negative thoughts and Ideas, which we bring to life by believing in them.

Hopefully you now understand how much damage that you can do to yourself and others in your surroundings by not having a good positive outlook.

In this way you can and will attract negative influences into your life and not even realize that you are doing it. By not being positive you will affect everyone and everything in your life.

2- Small thoughts

Small fleeting negative thoughts that can temporarily fly through your conscious mind and just as quickly fly away, could produce bad moods, and unpleasant feelings, without knowing why or the logical thinking behind it.

The trouble with small thoughts coming in and out of your conscious mind is that they often times come back, and every time they do unfortunately can get stronger and more convincing. On average 70 percent of peoples thoughts are negative from day-to-day.

Joy in life and your inner energy are stolen everyday when you think in a negative way.

Manifesting and growing into new beliefs is exactly what minor negative thoughts can do if left unchecked. This could attract more negative things or events into your life.

The freedom of choice is in our hands. If you implant the thought and believe that everyday you attract what you think. We can create miracles in our lives and improve it drastically by thinking positive.

In that way we can discover two very important lessons which are everyday optimism and an existence full of joy.

If you open your eyes you will see the Law of Attraction is working all around you. In your life, in your relationships, in your workplace you can attract everything that you want.

You just have to think about what you really want.

Your life can be manifested by your thoughts into a physical reality. Do not disregard all what you have read here or the basic principles we have discussed here. Do your best not to make a poor choice.

Often times in life we do not realize or understand certain things that happen in our life but we sometimes use them to help ourselves. By learning how to think positive thoughts and by connecting that with being positive in our everyday life, we can all make uplifting thoughts to inspire ourselves and others close to us.

The Law of Attraction can be explained in three words - Thoughts Become Reality.

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The Puzzles of Life - Can They Give Us a Push Towards Inner Serenity?

Human beings are caught in the habit of thought-running as they face problems in living. This pushes the awareness outward; so much so, they lose contact with their inner being. As a result, complications arise in their lives and they are unable to face life's challenges squarely. A healthy avenue to step out of this scenario is available through paying attention to the puzzles of life. If people are not wedded to some belief system, they have the opportunity to apply themselves to the puzzles with the freedom to discover what lies beyond the apparent. Such an approach augments the non-verbal understanding of the undercurrents of life. Thus, one does not fall a prey to the inclination "One believes what one wants to believe." It is like the approach of a scientist - eager to find the truth rather than look for evidence to prove one's belief. However, the difference here is that while the scientist has to rely on the verbal knowledge, the soul searcher (SS) banks on direct awareness assisted by intuition. No doubt, the scientist too uses the intuition but he or she has to fit everything to the bricks already laid while the SS can fly free towards the truth.

The closer the SS is to his inner being, the deeper the serenity. It is a progressive evolution. Thus, the serenity is not a matter of completing the journey but being on it and sensing the serenity with increasing intensity. This does not decrease his interest in worldly matters because the puzzles he faces are, indeed, intertwined with his mental disposition and his worldly interactions. Hence, it is a harmonious blending of both spiritual and mundane movements that leads to vibrant living. Primarily, it deepens the spiritual awareness by bringing the SS ever closer to his inner being.

So, let us consider some of the puzzles that can help us take the inward journey. They can arise as pensive questions from one's life situations, from watching a movie or reading a story and the like. The SS applies himself or herself to the puzzle and let the deeper intelligence reveal the hidden truths. There are many issues in our lives that can give us a push in that direction. They serve as guide-posts and keep us focused on the intriguing puzzle of the inward journey. Some of these arise as questions in the following manner:

1. Why is it that, even after practicing a religious system for years, freedom from fear, attachment and hatred does not take place? The practice only puts a lid on them and makes it appear as if they are gone.

2. Why are the 'non-believers' too - the atheists and agnostics - who put themselves against the 'believers', do not find that freedom?

3. Can the philosophical content of mortality serve as an affectionate guide into the unknown?

4. What roles do joviality and cheerfulness play in the inward journey towards self-discovery?

5. Is the beckoning of sorrow in life an invitation to visit the hidden corners of ourselves?

6. Unknowingly, we build a psychological wall around us through thoughts of 'I', 'me' and the 'mine'. Are there pointers in our daily life that can alert us to that fact and, perhaps, open a door in that wall?

In Chinese philosophy, Tao is considered the Ultimate Truth or Divinity and Taoism contains the associated philosophic tenets. Their book 'Tao Te Ching' deals with Taoism. There is a poem in it that has puzzling questions for the reader to reflect on, somewhat along the lines of the puzzles above. Some of them are given below:

1. Can you go beyond the habitual mind, hold to the One and never depart from it?

2. Can you bring down your breath to such a mellow state that it resembles the breath of a baby?

3. Can you purify your esoteric vision and wipe it until it is spotless?

4. Can you be like the female and allow passivity to govern the response to life?

5. Can you love all beings on Earth and govern them without being known?

6. Can you be aware of the four corners of the Earth and not interfere with them?

Similar issues are discussed in this website on spirituality. It would be good to apply ourselves to such puzzles as above and lead a life of intensity that is intrinsically spiritual rather than practice a discipline to reach a predetermined, ego-satisfying end.

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