I have always longed to get married and have a family and I have always believed I would. It never occurred to me that it wouldn't happen, not until recently. At 38, I thought: there's still time. At 39, I thought; there's still a little time. And at 40, I am finally facing the reality of the reality: It may not happen.
From age 20 till now, as I have been "waiting" for my prince charming to come along (all the time believing he would), I went out and lived an extraordinary life. I went to college, taught English abroad and traveled around the world. I chased my dreams of working in politics all the way to Washington, DC. I followed every impulse of challenge and adventure... and for the most part, succeeded. Everything that I dreamed of (that I could do on my own) I accomplished. The one thing, I could not do on my own, the one thing that required someone else, has stayed elusive.
Although I have lived a life many might relish, I look at the lives of those who have families, crazy homes full of children and pets, incessant noise and booked up activity schedules and I sigh.
The strange thing is that I wouldn't give back what I've experienced, at least I don't think so. I look around and see wonderful parents and not so wonderful parents and know that I would be a good parent. Sometimes I can't believe the fortune bestowed on people who don't seem to appreciate their child-abundant lives. I have friends and clients who feel the same way, having not had their own children. Some are sad, some are angry and some are resigned. But pure peace on the subject has yet to settle on my heart.
Of course, some say; "well if you really want one, what is standing in your way?" Yes, I could have a child on my own, I suppose. For some reason that doesn't quite resonate with me, but it still is an option. The man I'm dating now doesn't feel passionately one way or the other but I get the feeling he'd be fine without.
So that leaves me again with the longing I've had all my life. Sometimes I wonder if it's a longing to join the "club". I've always been an odd bird of sorts, doing my life differently than most. But on this one thing; I want normalcy. I used to think that something was wrong with me, that I was flawed in some way. I've long since put down that baton in favor of more self affirming and self loving beliefs and yet the experience still beckons from out there, somewhere.
I can see that it is just something else that I 'long' for and I realize how long I've lived in 'longing'. That was a funny sentence but I think it's worth saying. I've been longing for new and different, far away and exciting. Deep within me has always lived the seed of longing and perhaps even with a child, I might still long for something else. Longing is a wish for what we do not have. Longing is a habit of running away from what is. Longing is living in a dream.
I delved deeper into my feelings around this when I turned 40. While in a Life Coach training I chose to identify the underlying wish. What did I really want? Was it a child? Was it a family? Was it a 'normal' life? What was my true desire?
One of the main things I uncovered was that I want a legacy. I want to leave a mark that I was here, that I have lived, that my life has meant something. For if my family treedoes literally end with me... perhaps my name could live on in some way. I want to connect to the tapestry of humanity. I want to leave an indelible thumbprint in time. Something that says my life mattered. That it and I weren't just a blip.
As I wrote that... it occurred to me... maybe it's okay to be a blip. Maybe. And that really is what part of this is about... dealing with one's own mortality. Maybe we feel that if we have children, some part of us will live on or they will remember us and talk about us and through that we will live. Yes, facing our own mortality is certainly part of why this is so hard.
And as I consider my legacy, I look at the life I've created. I truly feel that the work I do helps people. And at this time, if I died tomorrow, I feel secure in the knowledge that many would say I had touched their lives. I continue in this vein daily but the longing remains.
And as I write this; tears begin to well up in my eyes. Why is this so visceral? That's part of it too... it IS visceral, it is biological, it is ingrained socially, physically, emotionally and every other way it can be imprinted. It's like not eating when you know you must for your survival. It's that deep, at least for most of us.
Coming to terms with not getting the one thing I have always wanted feels like a monstrous wall to climb, a gigantic rainbow to erase, an entire ocean to drink. But the truth of the truth is this: It is what it is.
It is what it is.
I am not married and I have no children. This did not just happen to me. It is of my own doing. I could have married someone in the past. I could have gotten pregnant. I could have done many things but I held out. I held out for the fairy tale. I kept myself in longing. And that is mine to make peace with. Would I change things if I could go back? Probably not. So, I stand back and I say... I wanted that, I tried, I dated lots of people, I was open-minded and it still did not happen. The peace in the statement is that I did my best and it still did not happen. I am smart, I am attractive, etc. and it still didn't happen. Okay, well, okay.
Sometimes we pray and sometimes the answer is "no". And that is the reality: The answer has been "no". The answer may not be "no" forever, but it has been. Peace will be found in my acceptance of this answer. Peace will be found in my heart's longing taking a rest. Peace will be found in embracing what is.
And if the choice were given me: to have this life with no children or to not have this life at all, I would choose life!
I am so grateful for this experience, grateful to be living. And though I may yearn for a particular experience in this life, not having that one experience does not diminish the miracle that this life has been. I am overcome sometimes with the beauty of it all. It is deep and wide, joyful and sorrowful, it has a crazy beginning and an unknown end. And for whatever happens or doesn't happen in between, each us... must make our own peace.
To your peacemaking.
As a Life Coach, I'd be remiss in not offering some tips:
Write it out - get all your thoughts and feelings out on paper. Keep writing until you've exhausted what is inside, all of it.
Talk about it with a trusted person - Talking and feeling about it is much healthier than keeping it all bottled inside.
Uncover your true desire - Underneath, what is the wish? To love? To be loved? To carry on a name or gene line? To have a family? To create? To have a legacy? Dig deep and find your true desire. It may not be what you think it is and may be fulfilled in another way.
Grieve the original dream - Grieve it as if it was a person you've lost. Eulogize it. Grieving how things might have been and truly letting the concept go... can give space for a new dream to be born and to thrive.
Consider alternative ways to accomplish your goal - Work with children? Adopt? Babysit your friends' kids, volunteer for a charity that helps children, become the greatest Aunt or Uncle ever, consider (intentionally) dating someone who has kids, become a foster parent, etc., I know a man who donated an organ in order to fulfill his want to leave a legacy. Let your heart open and your mind meander as you consider ways to achieve your desired outcome. Is having your own biological child the only way? If so, go to a doctor and find out exactly how possible or not possible it is. Look your options square in the face and truly consider them. If you're serious, get serious.
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